The Drinking Table Stereotypes

If there’s one useful thing that I was able to pick up from those nights of sitting from across the table with friends and coworkers at a bar it’s that certain stereotypes managed to emerge from the group. The fun fact about this is that these stereotypes can’t ever say otherwise, for we know the walls came down by the fourth mug. There have been a few lists about this already; but for all intents and purposes, Tula and I have decided to come up with our own, based on the copious drinking sessions we’ve personally faced, challenged, and survived through all these years. Cheers!

This signals the persona change in drinking sessions — when everybody starts loving everybody

El Capitan 

The one who usually “plans” the drinking sessions. He/she usually is the one who controls the alcohol ration and supply around the table. He/she is already friends with the waiter and/or bar manager or owner.

  

Taya

The guy/girl who gets to drink most of the booze, as arbitrated by El Capitan. This persona is very popular if you’re still in college. If you’re already over that phase, expect it during birthday, bachelor/bachelorette or going-away parties, where in the taya is usually the host.

“Me first”

That’s the opening line of this stereotype. The one who starts the discussion and everyone else takes it from there.

Impact Player

The one who shows up at halftime, later in the night, the one who “makes habol” because he/she had to finish work. This type has a knack of catching up with the rest by consuming large amounts of liquor in such a short amount of time.

How we feel by the time the 8th mug rolls in.

Side-sweep

The person who eats most of the food or “pulutan,” by doing some quiet side-sweeping action of his/her arms across the table, reaching for the bowl, while everyone else is busy talking and drinking.

Spotter

This guy/girl’s primary purpose inside the bar is to “spot” a potentially single, available guy/girl of his/her liking. The eyes are always shifty and searching for the next prey, I mean prospect.

The Newbie

There’s always that friend’s “interesting” friend who ends up joining the group. He/she sometimes takes the “taya” title on the table. Otherwise, be wary of the newbie. He/she is most critical of the group when he/she’s quiet—could be taking down notes or something.

- Soc

From what I have learned from the drinking table is that after 4 mugs of beer, the table turns into a counselling session. Or that has been the general turnout of the drinking sessions I have gone to, and I don’t know how that reflects on me and the people I go out drinking with. Just to be clear about it, we just have a great support system so it becomes like that, okay?

This is how we probably all look like by the end of the night.

(No offensive, albeit funny, drunk people photos. And hopefully, no animals were drunk in the making of this photo.)

I’ve had my first taste of alcohol when I’ve barely perfected tying my shoelaces as a way for me to stop being too curious about that nice golden drink with a lot of bubbles.  I was 5 and I was fascinated, because by the time my mother would drag me to bed, everybody would be laughing out loud like somebody has told the greatest joke on earth and I wanted to know what it was and if it was true that the bubbles drink had something to do with it. After some amount of pestering, I was rewarded with fits of coughing and the most awful experience of having beer shoot through my nose.

Ah, those were the days. I was called the most adorable thing ever existed. That meant a lot, when you are 5 and had just expelled an alcoholic beverage in the worst way possible. Or it could also be because I got drunk and I was talking to drunk people ̶ my deduction was right after all. I feel proud.

Take that, Sherlock Holmes.

Well anyway, enough of that. As I was saying, the drinking table would inevitably turn into a bad sitcom once everybody gets their fill. I’m sure a lot of you can relate to this but let me further illustrate my point by comparing them to the high school stereotypes that we love:

The Jock

Once this person gets enough alcohol into their system, they turn into a world-series champion challenging everyone to some type of game when he gets the chance. Also, he believes himself to be quite invincible and will keep on jugging your supply of alcohol until he pukes his guts out, and then proceeds to sleep without a care in the world.

The Drama Queen

You know this girl – the one who has made Adele’s album the soundtrack of her life. When the alcohol starts to flow in her system, she begins her lament on the current relationship she has and leaves you wondering if that was still the same person she was talking about the last time you met (if you’re still sober enough).

The Nerd

In a drunken stupor, he would remember a solution to some problem he had and then proceeds to explain how he came about it using words like extrapolate and derive and other highfalutin terms that your alcohol infused mind refuses to calculate.

The Emo

Never seat this person beside the drama queen or you’d be punishing yourself with a melodrama unfolding before your eyes. They think the world is against them and starts comparing stories with how life effed them over. It’s quite funny if you like watching people getting trashed over problems, plus points when someone starts crying by the end of the night.

The Person who eats their feelings

Soc would be proud of me for my Mean Girls reference (she breathes that movie for some reason). Never really talks, just smiles and drinks and eats but, most of the time, just eats. Also, the main reason why you had to order nachos and fries when you’ve already talked about just drinking that night. To share platter of chips? No problem. Then proceeds to consume it by himself.

The person who doesn’t drink (or eat) anything

Seriously, I’ve seen people like this. They’re just… there. It’s generally okay if they’re good storytellers or is doing something to contribute to the well-being of the group (it would be nice if he would pick up the bill, too) but, I have seen people who just sit there and smile and not do anything. Like, what?

The Popular One

By the time he has stepped foot into the bar, people start greeting him and exchanging hi-fives with him. He’s mostly absent from your table because another table is waiting for him to join them.

The Douchebag

Amazing how alcohol changes people and it’s amazing how your quiet friend turns into a douchebag and gives you about 70% of the embarrassment of the night (the other 30% is courtesy of you being drunk). He hits on girls like he’s some cassanova and keeps on pestering the popular one to introduce him to this and that person then proceeds to Jersey Shore everyone in the room.

Because we've all had comfort room drinking parties before. 

I’m sure that I have been one of these in some point in my life though I’m still fervently wishing that I haven’t become the douchebag yet or will I ever become one. There are still more stereotypes that I know will pop out of my head when I finish posting this thing and I’d be too lazy to edit so, for now, this will do. I’ve already written a novella and I think it’s showing how much I’ve gone drinking.

- Tula